Empty-handed but not forsaken
I’ve been set free…
Back in college, our dormitory required its tenants to undergo a psychology test. I don’t remember much of the test but I do recall two words in my result slip: emotionally stable. And that has always been how I viewed myself. I think I have a pretty healthy coping mechanism for challenges. I love getting a good cry but I don’t usually fall into long periods of sadness. I move on from pain considerably fast, I’m optimistic and hopeful most of the time, sometimes even stoic.
The last six months have been difficult though. I even told my best friend that I’m so over 2019. I’ve probably shed more tears in the last six months than I have in the last five years combined. Disappointment after disappointment, people coming and going, the pressure of hitting 30 and realizing that I haven’t achieved my dreams, unmet expectations… I can go on and on. It all just kept coming at me. And I was having a hard time dealing with it. I would try hard to contain it and keep a strong, chill front. But my closest friends know that I have lows that are so low; I even had episodes of hyperventilation due to anxiety.
When I really think about it, my problems aren’t what you would call matters of life and death. I’ve gone through worse. But disappointment, no matter what or who caused it, can be painful and disruptive. And disruptive it was. I wasn’t used to feeling these emotions. I wasn’t used to not being emotionally stable. It frustrated me so much that I tried even harder to convince myself that I can handle things and that everything’s fine.
But I was far from fine. After an enlightening talk with my best friend, timely Bible verses and devotionals, and worship music that literally struck a chord, I had a tearful quiet time with God and finally admitted that I wasn’t okay. I was disappointed, discouraged, sad, frustrated, even angry. It was the most honest I’ve been in a long time. And it was liberating.
For the first time, I finally understood what power in suffering meant. You see, being honest with myself was the first step I needed to take in order to overcome the pain. By crying my heart out and admitting that I am weak, I could finally recognize God’s strength. By admitting that I can’t handle the trials alone, I could finally ask God to handle everything for me. I also finally realized that by insisting that I was perfectly fine, I was relying on myself and not God. This time, I could finally ask Him for the strength, faith, and hope to go through the challenges. It brings to mind His promise in 2 Corinthians 12:9.
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.
In our weakness, God’s power is displayed and He is glorified.
No, there was no instant change in my circumstance. The problems didn’t magically disappear once I cried my heart out to God. But there was a change in my heart, a realization that I am not fighting alone and therefore, I should not wallow in sadness and self-pity. When I decided to truly depend on Him and not allow the anxiety to take over, His peace, which transcends all understanding [Philippians 4:7], washed over me. I felt loved and protected.
While I was praying, Hillsong’s Broken Vessels (Amazing Grace) was playing. The line “empty-handed but not forsaken” really resonated with me. I love how even in our lowest times, when we are with Christ, we know that we’re not alone. We can’t expect a trouble-free life. In fact, in 1 Peter 4:12-13, we are told to “not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon us to test us, as though something strange were happening to us.” We are instead asked to “rejoice as we share Christ’s sufferings, that we may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.” And in John 16:33, He promised that despite the trials, we can “take heart for He has overcome the world.”
Ironically, Broken Vessels even made me realize that I wasn’t empty-handed. He gave me good friends and an amazing support group. From time to time, I get these pockets of comfort and joy from the people and things around me. And I have God’s words, His promises. He gave me plenty to not just survive but to overcome and thrive in peace and hope in the midst of troubles.
I can rest assured now in the knowledge that my pain is not permanent and it has a purpose [Romans 8:28]. I may not be 100% okay all the time but the problems will pass and God’s got me covered. And that’s all I really need.
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