Dear God

I wrote this letter on one morning of December. Sleepless nights, anxiety, and stress had been taking a toll on me. I woke up at 5am (can’t remember why), tried to go back to sleep to no avail. Thirty minutes later, at the height of my emotional unrest, I started writing a letter to God. I cried while typing this letter but the most amazing thing happened. A calm spread through me. My problems weren’t solved but the heavy burden was lifted off my shoulders. Though I knew that December will still be crazy, I was assured that I can have peace because God is with me.

What follows is a letter I typed out for 2 hours. I never meant to post it in public but I don’t want to waste this opportunity to inspire someone else who may be going through something tough (especially this Christmas season), or just someone who wants to look back at 2018 and say, yes, I made it. So here goes…

Dear God,

I don’t know where to start. But maybe, like always, it’s good to begin from a place of praise.

I praise you, Lord, for your sovereignty. You are Lord of all. You are holy and glorious. Please correct my heart when I lose track of that truth. Remind me, Lord, that you are in control, not me. And that I’m better off because of that.

I thank you for the faithful love that you bestowed upon me. I don’t deserve a tiny bit of it. I am flawed and even when I think I did good, I know it still doesn’t measure up to your standards. I have a lot of shortcomings and I lack faith sometimes. I am stubborn and disobedient. But you love me just the same. And you do so unsparingly. Like I never sinned. As if I’m perfect in your eyes. How can I ever deserve a love like this?

I praise you, and thank you, for being my steadfast Father. You love me despite my mistakes. Like a father is to his child, you correct me when I’m on the wrong path. You show me the way. I get confused a lot of times; I get lost. But you hold my hand and you remain patient with me. Sometimes, your correction hurts me, especially when it means I can’t satisfy my selfish desires. But I know that I need that correction and you don’t mean for me to be in pain. You only want the best for me.

Lord, 2018 has been so tough. I know I said back in January, that 2018 would be a challenging year. I didn’t think it would be this tough, though. I didn’t think I would be tested in so many ways, in ways I never imagined.

It sometimes feels like a rollercoaster ride. Tumultuous, with unexpected twists and turns. You never know what’s coming next. Even if you do, you’re never fully prepared for it. 2018 was a rollercoaster of a ride. Your commands and directions, at times, felt like the climb to the peak. Nauseating. I’d sometimes question you and ask, really, Lord? You want me to do this? The reward is always beautiful, like the mindblowing view that you only get to see hundreds, thousands of feet up in the air. The thing is, I sometimes fail to see the rewards because I get overwhelmed and scared of the responsibilities that come with it.

And then there were the dips. Oh, the dips. The sudden, stomach-churning dips that made me question why I went up in the first place. The dips that make me write stuff like this. The dips that made me cry countless times this year. The dips that brought me closer to you. The dips that made me realize how much I need you in my life and that life, itself, is YOU.

2018 stretched me in ways I didn’t think possible. The trials that I went through this year changed me. For the better, I think. You changed me, Lord. You transformed my heart. You made me into someone I didn’t know I can be. You answered my prayers in unexpected forms. You’ve taught me painful lessons of humility, submission, gratitude, patience, empathy. I sometimes wish that it didn’t take so much from me to learn these things… but your ways are higher than mine.

I know that it’s not over. Just when I thought I had passed the test, another roadblock came along. I would like to be positive and hope for the best, but I know that I’ve never been excused from problems. I expect nothing less, Lord. Despite my feelings of frustration, I remain thankful because you’re here with me. You arm me with your words, reminders of how much you love me. Jesus died and lived for me; surely any problem is nothing compared to the love you have for me.

You gave me good friends who offer their listening ears and good counsel and good company. And you let me do the same for them. You gave me a family; our home always remains a place of rest and comfort. You’ve placed me in a job where I don’t just learn about business or skills, but also about myself. You’ve put me in places where I can grow AND help people grow. The highs and lows of the rollercoaster made me shed tears of joy and sadness but one thing is for sure: I am very blessed. Help me, Lord, to not take this for granted.

Father, thank you for being my fortress. My safe place. Please forgive me when I have my doubts. Please continue to be patient with me. Please help me to always rejoice in you even when it hurts, even when the mountain in front of me seems insurmountable. Please guard my mind and my heart and the peace that you left in me. Help me to fight the good fight of faith. Help me when I feel discouraged and unmotivated. Help me see the bigger picture. Help me not lose hope and remain compassionate and dedicated even when there is no apparent reward.

Lord, may moments like this not pass between my hands. Help me to firmly grasp every opportunity to commune with you. Help me not hesitate, to not ignore the urge.

I hope, Lord, that I made you proud this year. That somehow, something I did made you smile and say, “Well done, my child.” For it is life’s greatest mission, to glorify you. I am not asking you to make 2019 easier. Instead, I pray that everything that comes my way will allow me to honor you.

Onwards to 2019, Lord. I look forward to it because you’re with me.